Tales from the floor

I’m on the floor. On my back. Looking at the ceiling.

There’s not much to do down here.

Sometimes I imagine the future. A future where I’m not on the floor. I’m outside, I’m running, I’m lifting up my kids, I’m laughing.

I imagine all the things I’ll do when I can get off the floor for good. I’ll run a marathon. I’ll start power lifting. I’ll climb a mountain. I won’t take having energy for granted ever again.

Other times, when I’m on the floor like this, I write. Not with a pen or a laptop, but in my head. I write about what’s happening. I write about this.

This time I am on the floor because it was too exhausting to lay on my bed. That might sound ridiculous to you but trust me, that’s how it feels. I feel so heavy like I’m on another planet where the gravity is so much stronger. I feel pressure pushing me down into the mattress so I have to drag myself slowly onto the floor. It’s a not much better, but it’s better.

It’s a strange feeling. You feel so heavy on the outside and completely empty on the inside.

Heavy and hollow.

Have you ever seen one of those big golden Egyptian sarcophagus that they find in the pyramids? It feels like I’m an empty Egyptian sarcophagus. Everything inside of me has been drained out. My energy, my life force, whatever. I feel hollowed out.

A better example might be a lead balloon. Heavy on the outside, but hollow and empty on the inside.

And just like a lead ballon, I come crashing down.

Crashing on to the floor.

The other day I crashed because I ate too much. By that, I mean, I ate a normal sized meal. I got cocky. I have to snack and eat light meals. Digesting takes energy and I’m in very short supply. As I was taking my final bites I could feel it: everything hollowing out and my body being pulled to the floor. I quickly slid off my chair and lay on the hard floor. I had to get down before I was dragged down.

Half the time I can pinpoint why I’ve crashed, or anticipate one coming. I lifted something I shouldn’t have. I got up too fast. I was overstimulated.

Then there’s other times where it just seems random and unexplainable. I don’t know why it happens or where it comes from.

I just know that I’ll be on the floor again.